Why I Even Try

I know what it’s like
I’ve been alone my whole life
Filling this gaping wound
No one can manage to find

Why?

Why did this happen?!
This goddamn nightmare’s my daily life and
I can’t stop it!
Playing like a broken tape on rewind
Conditioned thoughts all the time
I’ve pressed delete
My fingers worn to the bone but still I can’t outsmart it

I’m torn at the fucking seams, worn out
Stuffings gone, nothing left in between

Place your hand over my chest,
Please
Feel the hollow space underneath
And tell me
Can you even feel remnants of my heartbeat?
I personally haven’t heard it in years

No- decades or longer
Am I supposed to feel stronger?!

What twisted game am I in
What version of Jumanji is this?!
I never
Remember
Grabbing the controller and saying yes to this!

I’ve been fighting my thoughts & demons for years
How many times should I try
To shed my skin,
Change my mind
Flip the script
Who decides- when the fuck will I die?!

To be honest
I’m looking forward to death
Cuz’ everyday I’m waking up
With my mind restless
And throbbing pain in my neck

Of course, I’m still to blame
Never good enough
Haven’t gotten through “enough”
Because God must be on break and “stuff”
So I’ve stayed broken apart

No love, cold distant memories
Hands touch
Oh so hesitantly
Like I’m some leper
Levitating over me, no warmth received
I’m shivering & I can’t breathe
These tears have left ravines in my cheeks
Yet I still manage to seem so real
Enough to keep ignoring the silent screams

The agony, so well disguised
The scars inside are my only guides
And I no longer capable of getting high
I wonder if I’ll ever to survive
Or if it matters
Cuz’ no one’s at the finish line.

Dark times
Black nights
Dark closets
These places my only resting place,
My chosen coffins

Can’t escape, desperately I’ve battled
Wasted years gone, just flying by
Still here, I sit
All by myself practically shattered
Not knowing why,
Why I even try.